What I've been learning: Motherhood

Over the weekend I saw an image of Betty White, in a magazine ad, mowing. The caption read, 'Make your side of the fence green'. Or something of that nature.

How many times do we, as moms, look at what another mom is doing and are left feeling inadequate and less than? How many times do we see people doing something amazing and we are left thinking that our lives are less than? How many times are we left feeling like we're not good enough because we don't look like her or dress like her? How many times do we rob ourselves of the life God planned for us because we're so busy looking at what everyone else has and not at what we have?

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” Frederick Keonig

This is something that has been on my mind. I read the book, 'One Thousand Gifts' and finally finished it over the weekend. In it, the author concludes that a true relationship with God (where we trust Him and believe that He is good no matter what) comes when we dare to look around with eyes of faith and a heart of thanksgiving. To look for and be thankful for all of the ways God shows His love for us. As a result we are left filled to the brim with happiness and wholeness which spills out into the world around us. It's a matter of simply realizing that, while our lives may not look like another's, it is tailor-made for who God created us to be. He knows what truly speaks to our hearts and if we are looking for it we'll see it all around us.  But... What if your life doesn't look like what you think it should? Here's a simple question. Is what you think you need based on His truth or on what you think you need because of what your neighbor has or the traditions of this world? I strongly believe that God places us in our lives because He knows that we are capable. He's offering all the tools to help us! How many times do we doubt that because it goes against what we have known to be 'right'? How many times do we doubt that because we don't think we're strong enough? Because we think that what He is asking us to do is too hard or a mistake? Let me use a personal example.  I had our first child right before I turned 21. (My husband and I had been married a little over a year.) Her first year was very difficult for me. I was dancing with the devil and he was winning. He made me feel so low. So useless. I was trapped in a bubble of discontent and misery because I thought that my life wasn't what it should be. Not that I regretted my daughter. That's not it at all. It was because I thought that I wasn't good enough. That we weren't good enough. That we weren't providing enough. That we weren't doing it right. I was believing the lie that I was too young to do it all and have it all. At some point I had to make a decision. I could either keep using the excuse that I was too young or I could let go of that handicap and let God do His thing. He wasn't saying that I was too young. He was trying to tell me that I was more than good enough and more than qualified. He blessed me with motherhood at a young age because He knew that, with Him, I was good enough to do the job and to do it well. He was giving me all that I needed. Would I listen? Would I accept His plan over what I thought was better? You have to remember that God created the world, animals, man, love, relationship, healthy food, the sky, heaven, hell.... We created everything else. Buildings. Traditions. School. Careers. Money. Bad food. Houses. Cars. Statuses. Shopping. Clothes. Everything that we think we need to be happy, more times than none, was conceived by man. Traditions were born. A way of living was created. All God ever asked us to do was to trust Him, obey His word, love one another, and live. He would take care of the rest.  We seem to think that we aren't smart enough if we don't finish college and build a thriving career. We don't think that we are financially blessed until we see a large amount in our savings account. We don't think that we are providing enough until we've surpassed what some of our neighbors have. We don't think that we are pretty enough until we look like the model on the cover of a magazine. We don't think that our marriages are good enough because they don't look like other people's. We don't think that our weddings were good enough because they happened before pinterest. If you are looking for it, you'll always find discontentment. Nothing will ever be good enough until you accept the life God has given you.  I am now the mother of 4 children. I am still young. I am immensely happy and incredibly blessed. But, given my circumstances in light of the world's view, I can wallow in self-pity and think to myself that my life isn't good enough because I didn't finish college or because we don't have a huge savings account or because I'm 'just' a stay-at-home-mom. OR I can thank the Lord for how far He has brought me. I can accept the life that the Lord has given me with thanksgiving because He chose me to be the mother of my 4 wonderful children. He knew that I was capable. And I don't have to just go through the motions of motherhood's mundane tasks, I can thrive!  How can a stay-at-home-mom of 4 thrive in the mundane? By keeping my heart focused on God. By training my eyes and heart and mind to look for His blessings in the everyday. To accept His love and forgiveness. Which brings me to another point. *There are so many times that I've yelled at my kids and felt so bad that it hindered me from moving on. I would think to myself that I wasn't good enough and that I was beyond His help. I would think to myself that I just have to try harder to be more perfect the next time. But I was already feeling defeated. How can you truly be better if you're already feeling defeated? Little did I know that the answer to my desire to be more perfect wouldn't come from perfection but rather from accepting His love and forgiveness for me. I stopped asking God to change my heart and attitude and started asking Him to show me how much He loved me. Asking Him to change me caused me to look at myself as incomplete. Asking Him to show me how much He loved me caused me to look at myself as whole and my life as whole. Therefore I feel... Happy. Content. Alive. And better than all, I know that I am right where I am supposed to be in this season of life. I am a stay-at-home-mom of 4 children. At the end of the each day, I have everything I need. We are never hungry. We always have a roof over our heads. Our bills are always paid. We always have enough. It may not be up to par with the world's standards but it's enough. And that is good enough for me.  When we realize how much He loves us, our hearts begin to change. Our attitudes are improved. Our happiness and contentment overflow to our children. Our spouses. And the world around us. Suddenly the grass, on our side of the fence, is greener.  *- I will explain this huge revelation later. I'm hoping that it will help all of you moms as much as it did me.

What WE learned today: Life lessons

This morning, at the store, my two-year-old yet again pointed out someone's something different. This time it was a mentally challenged young man. She innocently pointed and yelled, "Look mommy! Him funny." Of course when we were in direct view and earshot of the young man and his personal aid. I quickly shushed her and moved on... only to see a man of God robbed in white. I shot my best 'mom look' at my children and advised them not to say a thing. As he passed us, Liam opened his mouth to say, "That guy looks funny!" only to have his older sister throw her hand over his gaping mouth in effort to block the statement. I cringed.

Last week I took our two-year-old to Trader Joe's with me. I was busy shopping and looking at my list. I was in my zone. She kept telling me something and pointing towards a woman. I assumed she saw something in her cart that she liked. As she kept pointing and getting louder I (still not listening) kept saying an enthusiastic, "Yah Honey!" And as we past this woman Faye got even louder. I saw the woman give me a look as we past by as I was once again wholeheartedly agreeing to what my child was trying to tell me so I stopped and listenend. I was mortified. She had been telling me that "her big. her a little big." and I, unknowingly, had been in agreement. The woman heard. She was hurt and actually left the store.

Rewind to months ago. My son was on a kick about people being different colors. Especially black vs. white. I have a black brother and sister. But he wanted to know if they did everything like us. His questioning sounded so racist but I kept telling him that color makes no difference and we are all the same. Then we went to the store. A woman who happened to be black was on her phone in front of us and Liam blurts out, "black people can talk on the phone too!?" She heard and turned and walked away. I cringed. Not only was she probably hurt but probably thought we were racist. I wanted to yell after her, "You're beautiful! We're not racist! He's 4! I have a black sister!"

I know children are children. They are people in training. They are learning everything for the first time and are so curious about the world around them. I welcome my children's questions. I love to talk with them about whatever is on their mind. Just not out in public when they are pointing out someone's something different.

We had a talk today. About color and people's differences. We are all the same on the inside. Each one of us has feelings. Each one a heart. Lets be slow to judge and save our questions for later. And lets love the world around us no matter how different they may be. That's what Jesus does.

I was able to share some of my own experiences working with the elderly and handicapped. When I am able to explain something clearly on their level and they see the person for what they go through rather then the outward appearance and actions, I can see something click in their little minds and their hearts become compassionate. What if we all looked at each other that way? For what is on the inside.

What I re-learned today: Motherhood

While I'm on the subject of the Holy Spirit, let me tell you about my day.

It started off well. The kids and I went to bible study. Afterwards we went to lunch. They all did well. Baby was a little spastic but I managed. We went to a few different stores but after the first one, my patience was already beginning to wear thin. Then I took them to Hobby Lobby. Breakable city. Luckily nothing was broken but I was definitely feeling some anxiety. After that I decided to run in to one more store. By now the heat had risen. I was hot and sweaty. The kids were getting tired. But I thought, "Hey! I should surprise the kids and take them to a movie!"

This was a bad idea. And I knew it. I heard the Holy Spirit telling me not to do it. But, as I often do, I thought to myself, "Ain't nothing horrible gonna happen today!" (said in my best southern-drawl)

And so, like an idiot, I took them. I was already snippy and irritable but I took them thinking it'd help the day and that I'd get into my fun happy mom-mode. Little did I know that everything would not turn out as I had planned in my mind.

So... I load the baby's carseat onto the stroller (just like Michelle Duggar. thank you very much) with much difficulty. In the heat. And with kids spilling out of the van before I was ready for them. (Any mom that has more then one kid should understand this frustration) So, while I'm trying to watch them, I'm trying to get her handle over the stroller. It finally works. We go into the theater.

The kids are touching all of the fun arcade stuff while I'm getting the tickets and ordering food. Which is fine but I have a lot of kids and trying to watch them, other people around them, and the baby, and focus on what I'm doing is very hard. I finally hand off the ridiculously large drink to Olivia and we walk towards the theater rooms.

Of course I forgot about the flight of stairs you have to walk down to get to the theater. Getting the stroller down was awkward and I'm sure unsafe but I did it. Only to have my children, who all suffer with selective hearing, not open the doors for me. Finally Liam does and a poor passerby I nearly run over.

We find our seats and by now the baby was hungry so I had to feed her yogurt and applesauce. In the dark. She freaked out and made a mess and wanted out. I get her out and hold her.

So, as I'm trying to battle keeping her in my arms so she doesn't crawl on the disgusting floor, Faye gets stuck in the seat. Literally trapped in the seat. It closed on her because she doesn't weigh enough. So I rescue her. In the dark. Baby in arm.

Next Liam tells me he has to pee. "Right now!" So I tell Faye to sit with Olivia and I'll be right back. She freaks out and starts telling me loudly that she wants to go too. So, I agree and tell Olivia to stay put and I'll be right back. I take all three to the bathroom. Liam needs help still cause he's short but I can't help because I'm holding Everly. I send him into the stall confident that he can manage. Of course he can't. He has to touch the entire toilet trying to climb it. (I have a toilet phobia and I had hoped that our many trips to the bathroom and my many words of instruction of proper toilet usage would have imbedded into his head.) Nope. Of course not. So I instruct him just to stand and get it done. He does. We all wash up because Faye decided that the floor was fun to play with. (I should note that this is a run-down 1$ theater)
Anyways. We make it back into the movie and find our seats. We sit. Baby is still fighting me to crawl. Faye is whining about popcorn and the drink. I help her. Liam starts yelling. He hadn't been sitting with his legs out but rather under him so the chair claimed it's second victim and swallowed his leg. I have to lift him out (while holding the baby) but his leg was really stuck. After some tugging his leg finally gives and comes out of his shoe. So then I have to dig and maneuver his shoe out. I do. He sits. We all sit. Baby starts getting even more wiggly. Faye gets more whiny. The movie finally ends and we leave. But I have to get the stroller up those blasted stairs. I recruit Olivia to help. She does. We make it up and out to the van. Only to have the car seat attach itself to the stroller and refuse to budge. So, again with Olivia's help, we get it off safely with baby strapped in.

By this time I'm really worn out. I was trying to do something so fun for my kids that turned into a stressful disaster. I should've known better. The perfect storm had been brewing all day- I'm on day 2 of flying solo. Been out all day. Went to lots of places. Baby had no nap and was hungry. It was hot. I have had a bad migraine all day. Etc.

We left with the intention of stopping at one more store but by the time the exit came up, I just passed it. I just needed to get home. So we got home and we all got settled in. Everyone re-grouped. I made dinner and we enjoyed our evening. However, I was still irritable and so it wasn't as pleasant as I had wanted. I wasn't as patient as I like. I wasn't responding with as much grace as I try to. I hurried them off to bed early with prayers, hugs, and kisses hoping that that would fix it. Nope. Putting kids to bed before they're tired is dumb. At this age. After 2 hours of fighting with them to stay in bed and be quiet, they are finally asleep. And now I am reflecting on a day gone wrong. Wishing I had listened to the Spirit trying to guide me. He knows what my limits are. He knows what I can handle in a day. Taking my kids to a movie spontaneously was not it.

I know this. I know that He's always right. But I try and convince myself that it'll be fine. Never fails that I am wrong. This is always my thought process - Holy Spirit saying 'no! bad idea!' - me hearing and acknowledging - me thinking that I just thought it because something bad could happen and so it must be that fear telling me not to, not the Holy Spirit - me replaying that clip from Dewey Cox (ain't nothin horrible gonna happen today) - me going for it thinking that all will be fine because God will make it fine and that I'm just being dumb and that He couldn't possibly care about me taking the kids to a movie (or whatever He's advising against)

This happens all the time. And it's the littlest things sometimes too. But He knows! He knows what we can handle and what is going to bring the best outcome for everyone involved. In most cases, for me, it's times like this where I become frustrated and spent and my kids get the butt of that attitude. This may seem small and it is but I'm writing it as a lesson for myself. To remember. To learn from today. To make a mental note to listen to the Holy Spirit. I hope you can get something out of my crazy day too!

I am ready for a new day. Thank goodness for such loving and forgiving children! That's the funny thing about children... They are quick to forgive and forget and love. I wonder why God says we should be like them.... ;-)

Goodnight!

What I learned today: Spiritually

*For Women's bible study at church we are going through Priscilla Shirer's study book, 'Discerning the voice of God'.

Today Karen, a woman from our church, spoke about the Holy Spirit's presence in us and how all of who Jesus was for the disciples lives in us. All that He is, lives in us. The disciples could relax around Jesus because He took care of everything. Nothing was too big. The more time they spent with Him the more they saw and heard and their confidence in Him grew. They knew who He was and what He could do.

They didn't want Jesus to leave them because they didn't understand that the Holy Spirit would be Him dwelling in them. All that they saw Him do, that same power, would be working through them. He would be present with them ALL the time.

Before Jesus, believers had to rely on prophets and priests and supernatural events to hear from God. Then Jesus came and He began training up believers. Showing them how to live. He gained their confidence in Him. He showed them what He could do. He loved. He forgave. He healed.
When He died, He sent the Holy Spirit to indwell His believers so that He could be with us in spirit-form every day. And His life is recorded as an example to us of how to live and walk with confidence that He is a powerful God and that He can and will take care of everything. There is nothing too big.

Our own lives tell a story about His grace and love and power. It should serve as a reminder to us and give us confidence that we can get through anything because we have the Holy Spirit living in us. He has proven time and time again that He is good and capable. Why do we doubt? Why do we fight?

I love how Karen said that the more time the disciples spent with Jesus the more their confidence grew and the more they relaxed. The more time we spend with Jesus, in His word and in prayer, the more our confidence will grow. The more time we spend looking for His goodness and love in the everyday things (one thousand gifts) we will see that He is good and that He does love us and we will begin to trust Him. The more we look back and remember what He has done for us the more we'll believe Him for the future. (Believing God)

Just wanted to share that little tidbit with you. Hopefully it will speak volumes to you as it did me.

hello, there.

Sooooo. Yah. It's been a while. I was very much in a season where I needed to just do and hear and not so much write. Here anyways. I always felt that I possibly shared too much here so I'll try not to do that again. I just want to write what is on my heart. I've been learning a lot and seeing how I'm a stay-at-home-mom I don't really have the opportunity to be out there and share so I'll do it here. As well as out there whenever possible.

I'm going to write about what I'm learning each day. Whether it be in motherhood, homeschooling, cooking, or spiritually. I love to learn and I am always trying to take something positive from each thing I read or person I meet or experience I have. Life is full of learning opportunities and I'm happy to share my learning process with you.

Life has been so full of lessons since moving out here. All of them working towards a common goal of refining us. God has blessed us so much with a great church, great friends, a great area to live, awesome experiences, and great opportunities for Jess. HE is growing us closer together as a couple and as a family.

It hasn't been the easiest year. If anything, it's been the hardest. Mostly because I keep dragging my heels or second-guessing Him all the time. It's a learning process. We have no idea what is in store for our family. We have a few guesses but we're just waiting on God's perfect timing and plan. We know He has a big plan for our family and we are so excited to be on this journey as wild and crazy as it may seem at times.

I guess I could begin there. With what I've learned since we've moved here.

1. Moving is not that scary
2. People are nice outside of central IL too.
3. God really does have a plan and freaking out doesn't help it just causes anxiety and stress
4. God is good.
5. Our comfort zones keep us from meeting amazing people and doing amazing things
6. God is gracious
7. California is HUGE and beautiful!
8. 4 kids is easier then 3
9. homeschooling Olivia is a great opportunity for me to learn geography
10. I really really love math. Olivia does not.
11. Homeschooling is a way to do all the fun crafty stuff I've always wanted to do.
12. To minimize expectations for myself and just relax and enjoy and do less.
13. I hate ants.
14. We have amazing children. (already knew that but I'm learning so much from them each day)
15. Life is so so precious.
16. To go for it. Whatever He's asking. His plan and outcome is way better then our own.
17. God moves in some crazy ways and will almost always go against everything you've thought
18. Don't make plans.
19. Finding things to be thankful for every day becomes a magnet that finds even more to be thankful for throughout the day
20. Quiet time with Him is my drug.
21. God redeems
22. Because we are forgiven, we can forgive.
23. Because we are blessed, we can bless.
24. Because we are loved unconditionally, we can love.


I'll leave you with that. Good night!

my two dads...

In honor of Father's Day I thought I'd pay a little tribute to 2 men in my life. One that helped give me life and the other that I have called dad for 22 years.

When I was 4 my parents went their separate ways. They were young and crammed 3 kids into 3 years. It just wasn't working. My dad was soon stationed in California (we live(d) in central IL) (he was in the marines) and there was no way my mom was gonna ship 3 little kids off for visits and so there was never an agreement established to continue any kind of relationship with him. The last time I saw him was right before I turned 5. I have very little memories before then. 

We moved in with my mom's parents and my mom eventually met a guy (a couple months later) at a church thing. He asked her out and ended up proposing on the first date  I do believe and they were married 3 months later. Sounds creepy, I know, but he turned out to be a wonderful blessing. He'd been married before but never had kids but he took on the role of parenthood with determination to do his best. I remember him reading parenting books and his bible a lot. He would discipline with love and patience and he brought stability. He brought security. I loved him right away and he became DAD. Sometime later for one reason or another my biological dad gave up his parental rights so that our 'new' dad could adopt us. 

I admire both for this decision. One for acknowledging our need for stability and the other for officially taking on the role of fatherhood. Who marries a girl with 3 kids!? AND takes care of them!? (turns out both did but we'll get to that later)

So, from then on, our little family was established and we had a pretty normal life. When I was 12 or so my parents wanted to try and have more kids. Turns out my mom couldn't so they started the adoption process. When I was 14 they adopted 2 babies within that same year, 8 weeks apart. And so, our family grew to 7. My dad does not have any children of his own but is more of a father then a lot of dads and loves us all as his own. I admire him so much.  He took on the role of fatherhood 22 yrs. ago and has done a wonderful job, though he would never admit that. He will always be my DAD and said with true endearment. 

Skip ahead to last year....

Towards the end of last year, for reasons too personal, our biological dad got in contact with us again. I was flooded with a mix of emotions. I felt pain I didn't know was there. I felt love. I felt anger. Well, just about every feeling really. And it was an emotional roller-coaster for a good month or so before I made the decision to move past what I was feeling and just try and start a relationship with him. The moment I made that decision I was more of a mess though. I didn't know how to feel. I just felt so raw and exposed. I was treading on unfamiliar waters. I knew that I was making the right decision but it was such a confusing time for me. 

I learned that I had a brother, Charlie, that was 21 yrs. old and who had lived within 30 miles of me his whole life. His mom, Melinda, and my dad got pregnant with him soon after my parents' divorce. She was young and didn't feel that getting married and moving with him to CA, at the time, was the right decision. And so he moved on to CA (he didn't have a choice because he was getting stationed there) and eventually married again and they had a girl. My sister, Timari, who is 17. That marriage did not work out and they eventually parted ways and some time later Charlie's mom, Melinda, and my dad got back together when he moved back. By now she had 2 more kids from her previous marriage. My dad jumped in as dad for all three kids and they have been married for 7 years now and have since moved back out to CA.

When I learned all this it was a bit of a shocker. One, that I had a brother I didn't know about and second that my biological dad had been dad to kids that weren't his but yet had remained absent in my life. Selfish, I know, but it was all so new.

A date and time was set to go and meet him and his wife and my new brother. It was the day before Thanksgiving last year. My brother, Nic (24), had already met them and was there. Jen, my sister (25) wasn't ready to meet them yet so Jess and I and our kids headed over to their old house in Bloomington where Charlie was still living. They had flown in from California.

The drive over was a strange one. I was strangely calm yet freaking out a the same time. I grabbed Jess' hand on the last stretch of road between us and them. I knew this was finally the right time to begin a relationship but I had no idea what to expect. 

We were greeted at the door warmly. Melinda, his wife, was the first one I saw and then I saw him. My dad. The man I had never stopped loving and never stopped wondering about and I felt this warm connection. We quickly took off our coats and shoes and I hugged Melinda first and then him and a wave of completion came over me. I felt whole. My heart was finally whole. In that moment I remembered his smell and how he called me 'sweetie'. Which is exactly what he said.. 'Hi, sweetie.' 

I met Charlie after that and felt an instant bond with him too. We met his wonderful girlfriend, Nicole, and walked into the living room which had been readied for Christmas with the kids and a Thanksgiving dinner. They had covered everything! The kids loved all of them and the whole evening was strangely normal. As if no time had ever passed. 

The weather was getting bad and so we headed out. We said our goodbyes to everyone. My dad was helping us into the van with the kids and all the new stuff. I hugged him goodbye, feeling even more at peace, and we exchanged 'I love you's'. The drive home was like walking on clouds. I had 2 dads that loved me and that I loved each in a different way. And then a tinge of guilt swept over me. I quick text my DAD and told him that I felt like I had just cheated on him and that I still loved him very much. He quickly responded and reassured me that all was well and that he loved me too. 

The following months up until recently have been a weird game of trying to balance my feelings between the two dads. I've finally made up my mind that they are both dad and I'm blessed to have both in my life. They each mean something different to me but they are both men that love me unconditionally. And so this new life of having two dads and a whole new family has begun and I'm quite enjoying it. 

We will be moving out to California within 10 miles from them in about 5 weeks. I can't help but think that this is all part of a bigger plan. Never would I have ever dreamed that my life would be taking this turn. It's an adventure to say the least and one that I've come to embrace with open arms and an open heart. 

So, Happy Father's Day to my two dads! 

To you, DAD, for always being there and for raising me and for loving me through it all. You have a big special place in my heart forever. Thank you for taking on the role of being my DAD. I love you. 

And to you, dad, for giving us a chance at a normal life so many years ago and for pursuing a new relationship with me and my little family now. I love you.

hello, friends.

I think 7 months is a long enough time for being away from this blog. I can't say that that length of time was intended, it just happened.

A lot has happened since Nov. 4th, 2010 and it's taken me about this long to begin to comprehend my life as it is now.

To catch you up to speed...

1. I re-connected with my biological dad in November (after 20+ years) and met his wife and their kids and a brother I didn't know about. Things are going wonderfully. I love them all and we get along great!

2. I got pregnant in February and am currently 4 months pregnant with surprise baby #4.

We will hopefully find out what he/she is next week!

3. My husband accepted a job offer in Mission Viejo, CA. in May and quit his steady job of over 5 years.

4. We're moving from IL to CA in 8 weeks. (if insurance gets figured out)

That may only be 4 things but they are pretty big. 

I need to stop fighting all of my emotions and succumb to feeling crazy, emotional, and being unable to control things.

At the beginning of this year the Lord told me to rest. To rest in Him and let Him take care of me and bless me. I knew there was a change coming in June with Jess' career and that God was going to do big things this year for us but that I was just supposed to rest and let Him do it. 

Little did I know what all He meant and how hard it would be. I just need to stop dragging my heels and jump in already. Which is where I am now. That is what I am trying to do. Jump in and enjoy the ride that is my life in all it's crazy glory.

I guess I thought resuming my blog would help me sort out my thoughts and gain a little perspective into my own heart. It helped before and I've missed it. There has been a void in my life because I haven't been documenting my life so it doesn't seem to make as much sense. All my thoughts are jumbled around from the past 7 months. I took a break to cherish things more personal rather then share yet I seemed to have lost a bit of myself in that effort.

So, I'm back! 

*I will expand more on each point made this week.