my life in the light (part 1)

I love to write and have written in a journal since I was 12. My husband buys me a new one each Christmas. Some are fuller then others. The ones that have less are the years I had babies. My way of having quiet time with God is through writing. He speaks to my heart through written words. I often begin writing something that has been on my mind and before I know it I have a couple pages of encouragement and clarity from Him. I always think it'd be great to share some of it on here but by the time I have a moment, I no longer feel it's importance to anyone else but me. I know that isn't true though. Everyone can benefit from some encouragement. So, I'll do my best to share when I can on here.

I'm a little hesitant because I'm not great with communicating verbally. This isn't verbal, I know, but it's the closest thing to it for me when it comes to my private thoughts. But I feel that it's time to start sharing from my heart and not mislead you with a sugar coated blog. I'm not perfect. I am a work-in-progress and I'd like to share the progress with you. I hope I can keep you updated often. I'm gonna try.

I have 14yrs to share with you. I thought it fun to start from the first journal, someday, and work myself through all of them. The good and the bad and share with you my feelings and what God speaks to me. I'll see how sharing the current with you goes first.

I love that when I ask God for help in an area of my life or for clarification He always answers me in a long-term way. It's not always the easiest way. (it most never is) But, He is always right! And in knowing that it helps me through whatever He's showing me. Just by knowing that His solution will have a positive long-term effect verses my hasty decisions.

Take parenting, for example. I once LOVED it.... until Olivia turned 4 and showed signs of needing actual parenting beyond time outs and spankings. I'm not a patient person. I lose my cool more then I'd care to admit and when she turned 4 the honeymoon of parenting was over. Not to mention, when she turned 4, I had just found out I was surprise pregnant with baby number 3. So, I spent most of last year completely bewildered about my children's futures and questioned my capabilities to shape them into people without serious issues.

Without me realizing it, God had been using my husband as a teaching tool for me of what unconditional love looks like. My husband is an extremely patient man. In earlier years of marriage I saw this quality trate as procrastination and would often get frustrated with him. I didn't understand unconditional love. I do now.

By receiving unconditional love and in understanding grace, it has put a hunger in me to allow God to do the same in me and for me to no longer excuse my behavior (i.e. hasty non-effective parenting skills). I know some people are afraid to live in the understanding of God's grace in fear of careless christianity, but it's simply not true.Yes, it's throwing caution to the wind but it's a great way to live! To know and have faith that you are loved unconditionally and that you don't have to do anything to earn it. To know that you are accepted as is! It takes the weight of wayward religious beliefs and fears off your shoulders and allows you to live a full life! Wow, i'm getting excited about this. I can feel the preacher in me coming out.(thanks to my grandpa) I just cannot even explain to you how life has changed for me through this simple revelation of the truth of God's love and plan for our exsistense.

Ok, back to my parenting woes...

So in feeling a deep desire to parent better, out of my love for my children and the need to spare myself future heartaches from regrets of my lazy parenting, I turned to God. I am learning not to expect direct answers or results from God. He didn't answer me by making Olivia a perfect child without meltdowns and dramatic emotions. He answered me by helping me to search my heart. He's still answering me, I should say! On a daily basis I find myself searching my heart for clarafiction as to why I react the way I do. He has helped me to take a step back and to see my daughter and not the current meltdown. I am learning to develop a better parenting approach to her specific need. I am AMAZED at the difference God has made in my heart already in this week alone. It's thursday, and I can't think of one meltdown today when I am use to several a day.

The Lord is showing me the importance of honesty with our kids. To not sugar coat anything or mislead their hearts. And, most importantly, not to expect more from them then I give of myself. How can I expect her not to yell at her brother when I am yelling at her not to yell at her brother?

In re-reading Ephesians 6:1-3 (a parents favorite verse to burn into their children's memory. you know, the one about children obeying their parents) I found it interesting to find and even more important verse below it in verse 4 -

Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children
to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment],
but rear them [tenderly] in the training and
discipline and the counsel and admonition
of the Lord. (amplified bible)

Parenting goes beyond discipline. Parenting is shaping their hearts and helping them to see the reason for their actions and how to change their behavior. God doesn't smack us on the butt or put us in time out. He is patient. He waits. He speaks to our hearts and if we let Him, He will begin to shape our behavior to model His love for us. Wow! In just knowing that He is patient with me gives me the patience I need with my children. Thank you Jesus! (now i just need a black choir and an amen) He is good!