Lately I've been wanting to check-out. Get away from it all. Even spending two weeks in Florida wasn't enough. I want to completely hide myself from the world afraid to let anyone see my faults and weaknesses.
Life is hard and life is messy. I am learning how to deal when life doesn't go as planned or when people act out of the box of expectations I put them in. Actually, I don't know how to deal... at all... I get frustrated, mad, hurt, angry, weepy, pitiful, irritable, impatient, etc. You get my point. I guess I should say that I am learning how to go to Jesus with my feelings. It's not easy to admit you are wrong and need help. Not for me anyways. I like my walls. They've been there most my life. I'm scared to function without them. I'm scared to really put myself out there and be vulnerable. I'm scared for you to see the real me. The scared little girl who just wants to love and be loved. The one who doesn't have all the answers. The one who doesn't know what the hell she's doing. The one who falls short of her own expectations for herself more then she cares to admit.
The question 'what are you going to do with this one wild and precious life?' has been on my mind. My answer is 'to LOVE'. My answer is not 'to have all the answers'. Or 'to be a better mother'. (that's an endless list) Or 'to keep house better'. Or 'to be in ministry' (which I feel highly unqualified for at the moment). Or 'to be a better wife, daughter, sister, or friend'. Or 'to be more generous'. Or 'to be a Godly woman' (whatever that means)
My answer is simply 'to LOVE'.... And all that that entails. It's going to be a learning process for me. But, I know that with learning how to love, everything else will fall into place.
I use to think that life was about getting through it with doing everything to the best of my abilities. (and thinking everyone else should too) Frankly, I'm just too tired. I will never amount to what I think I need to to be the perfect mom, or wife, or friend. And you will never amount to my ridiculous expectations. And even though letting my guard down and loving might be one of the most foreign things to me and the hardest, I think it will be most satisfying.
In the end, when I look back, I don't want to know that I was right or knowledgeable or kept a clean house or survived being a stay-at-home-mother to young children. I want to look back and know that I loved and I loved hard and my heart will swell with the love that I received by doing so.....
And so, here I am. Learning how to love and be loved. I'm diving in and I'm taking you all with me.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3
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