As you can tell, my blog has been a bit quiet lately. I have been overcome by motherhood. It has me in a death grip. I wish I could say that I have been away because I've been enjoying my life too much to want to write but the truth is that I am getting sucked into the ugly truth of parenting. It's hard work and not very rewarding. I know a time will come that I will be sick with happiness over raising 3 children. I think. (maybe thats a myth from watching too much tv) But it is not right now. I cling to the smallest amounts of happiness I can find right now. Baby faye is a big source of stress relief right now, oddly, because of her is why I have sleepless nights and why I am drained of energy the next day and cannot function properly to be the fun mommy that my other two children need.
But, she makes me happy. Usually, at the end of my day, I sit with her on the couch and just soak up her smiles and kisses and giggles. I find it hard to imagine (as I have felt with the other two.. ha!) that the day will come that she too will be getting into things and fighting and hitting and yelling back at me and I'll be sending her into time-outs as well. Not my sweet baby girl!
I have been trying to figure out why I am so miserable and frustrated. I just want to cry. And I have. But I mostly just want to crawl into a hole and sleep and not be needed by anyone to do anything.
We have a big beautiful house. But all I see is what I haven't gotten done. 6 rooms need painted. Things need organized. Things need cleaned. Things need done...
I have 3 beautiful children. But anymore I see a 5 yr old that needs constant attention and who whines all the time. A 2.5 yr. old that needs constant discipline. (and who is ruining everything in sight) And a 6 mo. old baby that is needing me more and more right now because of her teething and growth spurt. I don't have enough of me to go around adequately.
I have a wonderful husband. But he needs me too! He has long days at work and is stressed out and he has to come home to me... Poor guy. I need him more then I think he needs me. And so time with him gets pushed way back. Weird to think that once upon a time he was my main focus. Anymore we just survive everyday just to get to the next to then get to... what?
I am generally a sweet person but not to my children when I am on stress overload. Olivia called me on my 'mom voice' a few weeks back. I was yelling at them from the driver's seat because they were fighting and then pulled into Mcdonald's drive thru for a coke (caffeine!!!) and spoke with the woman in the speaker box. (i felt guilty so I got them root beers)When I pulled back onto the road Olivia asked me why I was mean to them but nice to the woman at Mcdonalds.... (but i got them root beers!) WOW that was a slap-in-the-face!
I remember my mom doing the same thing to me. My kids are lucky they don't hear it as often as I did. Back then we didn't have internet (because I am sooo old) and easy ways to connect with people so our moms talked on the phone. I avoid the phone all together because it's impossible to talk on the phone around my children. They instantly get 100% worse!
My mom had her 'mom voice'. She would be yelling at us and get a phone call and instantly speak differently to whomever had called. Unless it was dad. Mom, I now understand. I no longer hold my grudge against your 'mom voice'.
Maybe this is a three kid thing. I don't know. My life has never been this crazy. There is literally no time for myself. And when I try to make time, I feel guilty because there are 1,000 more things that need my attention.
Right now I am wasting time venting to all of you and trying to figure out my problems instead of playing with my children, folding 3 loads of laundry, finishing dishes, cleaning, and getting ready for the day. I look like crap. Sucks that I look like crap now if I don't do anything with myself. Once upon a time I could get away with not doing a thing and I looked so cute. If I showed you a picture of me now in my current state, you'd need therapy.
My face is breaking out all over. The only time I've done that is when I've been pregnant. According to the test I took, I am not. (sigh of relief) I've come to the conclusion that it is stress related. Huh. Go figure?
This is not me! I am not a crazy woman. Really I am not. I am normally very together with things figured out.
I cannot come out of my funk long enough to think clearly enough to fix what has gone wrong. I spent a perfectly good partial-time-out-from-parenting-two-out-of-three-kids on Saturday to CLEAN MY HOUSE!!! What is wrong with me? I thought taking care of some of my main stress would help me. And it did. It felt like therapy. But now I am kicking myself for not focusing on my husband or just the fact that I could have taken a nap!
I just feel like I am snow balling into the unknown. Or the extremely predictable future of yelling, crying, and more guilt.
About a month ago I had had it. I prayed and prayed. But, my kids weren't getting any better. My stress wasn't going away. Then I had a moment of clarity. I knew that one of my biggest struggles, at the end of the day, was guilt. I carried guilt for all the situations where I did not do the best that I could have. So from then on, I have done the best that I can in all situations and now my nights are mostly guilt free and a new day begins...
But, now I am here... Completely frazzled because I cannot be lazy in parenting anymore and it is wearing me out. Discipline isn't working but I am determined that my son will learn not to jump on his sister and pretend to pee on her. Focused play time doesn't go how I pictured and turns into a gigantic mess. And my daughter is still complaining about me not doing enough. I've finally given up on making a perfectly clean environment but now there are bigger mounds of dishes to tackle every-other day vs. every day. There are bigger piles of un-folded laundry. And I am stepping around a lot more toys. And are my kids any happier? Am I? NO!
So now I am trying to focus on the one thing I know is true. Jesus loves me and He loves them. They don't need a super mom. They just need me. The real me that I have almost forgotten. The sweet calm and collected me.
Now... where did I put her?
5 comments:
Oh Steph! I feel the exact same way! I would call you, but the same thing happens when I get on the phone, too! Maybe this afternoon, I'll forgo the nap I had planned and write you a nice long email! I'm so thankful for a friend like you, if you didn't live so far away, I'd be there this afternoon! You need someone to talk to! Wish I could be there for you - wish I could spend a couple weeks in Peoria catching up and helping out. Miss you friend, and love you - you're not alone. You're not the only one who feels like they're at their wits end. You're loved, you're seen, and you're prayed for. I love you!
thankyou brie. you are so very sweet. i know you are sincere and just knowing you understand, encourages me. i don't know why, it just does. love you!
you are so cute. i have actually had this same "meltdown" lately over becoming a wife. its a lot of responsibility and stress and i want to be perfect but i just cant. i think last week i cried about 3 days in a row until my brother in law made a great point about my stress over everyting and making everything perfect every day. he said "who cares, who is going to see it?" and it made me realize that it doesnt matter. i still stress and clean and want to be the perfect wife but the fact is that i am not perfect and you are not perfect so we can not expect perfection. i will be praying for you as you help yourself out of this stress. if you need anyone to help you paint, i LOVE home decorating :) have a good day and relax. you deserve it
"Now... where did I put her?" :) Through all of the stress and the mess you are feeling, you still managed to communicate your humor and make me smile. And the answer to your question? She lives in you!!!!! So many times, we bury the best parts of us in our attempt to live up to a standard that is impossible to attain. That is why Jesus accomplished that standard for us and all we have to do is enjoy the life that He bought and paid for us to have. Remember "to live is Christ!" He does not have an agenda for us to accomplish in any point of our lives. He just wants us to let Him live through us and to enjoy our company along the way. Guilt steals and is never preempted by Truth!!! The Truth will set you free! :) I am praying for you today!
thank you ladies. you are so encouraging!
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