my life in the light (part 2)

my good friend, Malory, linked the following post on facebook last week. i have been feeling the same way and thought i'd share it here along with my own thoughts at the end.

originally posted by Megan at Sorta Crunchy -

Today marks day four of being trapped inside by The Great Ice Storm of 2010. Our power has stayed on, and we are so truly grateful for that as tens of thousands of others in our part of Oklahoma have been without power for days. We have, however, discovered this life truth: a DirecTV dish covered with ice is not so great with the reception.

We've played a lot, we've made up games and played crab walk tag. We've colored pictures and worked over soft dough and danced and read. But sometimes a mama needs a break. TV isn't an option, so yesterday I dug around in our movie bin for entertainment/relief.

At the back of the movie bin, I found the special release two-disc DVD of Disney's The Little Mermaid. I purchased it several years ago, just giddy at the idea of watching my all-time favorite Disney animated film with my girls. I had to swallow quite a bit of disappointment when Dacey consistently chose doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-Dora over Ariel, Flounder, Sebastian, et al. Recently however, both girls have taken a liking to the Disney princess crew, so I figured I would give it another try.

Sure enough, the eyes of both girls glazed over as they became entranced by the curvy red-haired mermaid with the enchanting voice. Dacey looked at me with shock and awe when I sang along word-for-word with Ariel's song "Part of Your World." I found myself enjoying the movie so much that I posted this as my Facebook status update:

Today I'm reminded that The Little Mermaid is Disney's best soundtrack EVER!

And noted as an afterthought:

Although I have to admit I'm not 100% in love with message it's sending my daughters.

You know, the more I have thought about it, the more concerned I've become about the message of The Little Mermaid. And now I've become concerned about becoming concerned about the message of The Little Mermaid.

I've been known to roll my eyes in the most subtle, imperceptible, and polite way possible when I've heard other mothers of little girls talk about Barbie bans in their home, and I nearly choked on my coffee the first time I heard a mom mention how highly sexualized the Disney princesses are. I guess somewhere deep within, the little girl who amassed a big-time Barbie collection and who has been to Disney World four times heaves a big sigh and mutters under her breath lighten up, y'all.

Perhaps it's because I'm smack-dab in the middle of Vicki Courtney's study called Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter and this very week has been the chapter on S-E-X. Maybe that's why I am finding myself super-sensitive to the thinly-veiled messages about sex and love and femininity that ooze into every aspect of our culture. And maybe that explains why I felt like I was watching The Little Mermaid again for the first time yesterday, finding myself alarmed that:

1) Ariel really is drawn to be sexy. There is no denying that. I suppose it would be hard for a mermaid to be anything other than sexy, what with the bikini top and all, but Ariel is curvy and her red hair flounces around her ravishingly, and then there are those big ol' doe eyes.

2) The song lyrics, though delightfully crafted, carry a really questionable message. Consider the exchange between Ariel and Ursula as Ursula convinces her to trade her voice for legs. Ariel's plight, you remember, is to make Prince Eric fall in love with her in three days (Bachelor, anyone?). She wonders, "But without my voice, how can I . . .?" and Ursula instructs, "You'll have your looks, your pretty face, and don't underestimate the importance of body language!" and goes on to sing

The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it's much preferred
For ladies not to say a word
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?

Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady who's withdrawn

It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man!

Wait. What the what? And yes, yes. I totally know and understand that Ursula is the bad guy, er, bad girl or bad sea creature. The villain. You aren't supposed to believe what she says. I, an adult, I get that. My grasp on abstract thought is fully matured. But Piaget reminds us that a child doesn't even begin to mature into mastering abstract thought until she is around twelve years old.

Hmmmmmmm.

3) As Dacey watched, she told me, "Hey mom! Guess what? Ariel is sixteen!" Sixteen and trying to win the heart of the prince.

4) Kiss the girl. It's the most charming song in the entire movie, right? The melody, the harmonies, the collected voices of the creatures of the deep led by the smooth-as-silk baritone - it's the Pièce de résistance of the entire show. And tucked right into that sweet little romantic song is Sebastian suggesting this to Prince Eric:

Yes, you want her
Look at her, you know you do
Possible she wants you too
There is one way to ask her
It don't take a word
Not a single word
Go on and kiss the girl

I wonder how Dacey and Aliza Joy's daddy would feel if a young man who wants one of his daughters took Sebastian's advice to determine if she wants him, too.

5) Okay, even if you've just been skimming along until this point (who can blame you?), stop here.

The one message that bothered me the most about The Little Mermaid is this: when Ursula is persuading Ariel to become a human and go after Prince Eric, Ariel says, "But if I become a human, I'll never be with my father and sisters and again!" to which Ursula purrs in response, "But, you'll have your man!"

That? Crawled into my thoughts and bothered me. As much as I would like to sit here and say, "Oh, I've watched that movie dozens of times - and all of the other Disney movies, too! - and I turned out okay!"

But here's a little truth about me. From the time I was a freshman in high school until the day I got married (three days shy of 21), I was never without a boyfriend for more than three months. My adolescence was one long quest to get my man. And to keep him. I gave very little regard to who was left hurting in my wake - family or friends - as long as I got my man.

I'm not blaming Disney or their animated musicals. I am self-aware enough to realize that a complex and complicated set of circumstances and history and predisposition all worked together to shape the young woman I became and the choices I made.

But it has all been enough to give me one long pause. Am I ready for my five year old to start dreaming of romance? Do I want her to have even the slightest exposure to the get-your-man-at-all-costs approach to relationships?

Is it all just harmless fun and I need to step away from the paranoia?

Or is it really just that in the past few days I've had too much coffee and too little fresh air?

I don't know the answer to any of this, but I sure would love to hear your thoughts.

Here are my thoughts:

First of all, I completely agree. This has been on my heart for several months now.

We got cable for the first time in our entire lives last summer. Naively I thought that most of the shows were kid friendly, regardless of age. So, I would let Olivia watch Hannah Montana. Until, we began to notice some behavioral issues. Talking back, rolling her eyes, over dramatizing everything, storming off in a furry, etc. When I actually paid attention to what was being talked about on the show or watched the attitudes of the characters, I realized where Olivia had picked up the attitude. So, the Disney channel was banned for a while.

Through pure exhaustion and desperation for peace, (after Faye was born) I allowed the disney channel again. But for Zach and Cody and the Jonas brothers show. And once again, we found the same issue. And I'm not shocked. They are pre-teen geared shows. I'm completely embarrassed we even allowed them.

But it goes beyond those shows. It's most everything our children are exposed to. There are very few shows that send a good message. And the ones that are harmless, Liam loves but Olivia is completely bored with. But she's at that age where it's vital that we encourage things that are honest and pure.

I've been turning off the tv more and trying to encourage play-time and imagination. Along with what I discussed in part 1 of my parenting woes life, here in our household, has improved drastically. I no longer feel the incredible urge to lock myself in the bathroom and cry until my hubby gets home to save the day.

I would love to, and probably will, get rid of cable when our contract is up this summer. We do love the DVR feature though to tape our shows and watch them after the kids go to bed. I don't like the fact that we end up zoning out infront of the tv after 8:00pm. I grew up hardly ever watching tv and in my husband's family it's a good portion of family time. I'd like to find a happy medium.

Now, back to the subject at hand. I completely agree with the fact that the Disney princesses are completely misleading our girls and misled most of us. (not to mention that all of the retail products are really ugly) In fact I shared, at one time, the issues that fairytale thinking can cause in marriages. You can read it here.

I want to raise my daughter's to be strong and confident women. I don't want them to look down at men but not to pine after them either. I want them to find fulfillment in God and know that any human relationship is an added bonus (when it's the right one). That marriage is having a whitness to your life and someone to celebrate it with. The bad and the good. Marriage is not our purpose in life nor does it define us. Nor should we look (as women) to our husband's to provide our joy and happiness.

As a mother of a son, I want to be careful to raise someone that will not give into the emotions of a woman. That will stand firm for his beliefs and who will love someone unconditionally. That will encourage his wife and allow God to use him. I want our son to be a lot like his daddy.

To get the results we want in parenting, our children's lives have to be monitored even from a young age. We have to be careful not to assume that things are harmless just because they are geared towards children. And we cannot be lazy and assume that our children will eventually turn out ok once they are adults and they learn for themselves. We have to be honest and open and guide their little hearts. I'm very grateful that the Lord is giving us the tools we need to raise our children. It's tough but the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life.

I leave you now with this verse -

Proverbs 22:6 - Train a child in the way he should go,

and when he is old he will not turn from it.

* there are some really good comments on her page regarding the discussion