What WE have decided: Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically

My last post was the beginning to something greater that I hadn't fully understood... Until about 5 days ago...

God brought us here over a year ago. It has been an incredible journey thus far and a HUGE walk of faith. Being away from everything we've ever known hasn't been easy but it has been good for us all. We are happier. We are stronger. We are better for it. Stepping out in faith has blessed us in ways that we could have never imagined. And we are so so grateful that we get to be a part of His journey for us and that we didn't say 'no' to Him.

That being said... We've been in limbo for the past few months. We own a home back in IL still and we thought it would be sold to the people that had been renting it. We knew the sale would happen in 2 years but they approached us earlier. However, the sale didn't go through and they moved out. It was something that we were not expecting. So then we started to think that perhaps our time here, in CA, was drawing to a close and He'd be calling us back home in the next year. And that was something that we were ok with. I say that with great reserve. We had actually said that it didn't sound appealing and we'd rather be sent to another country before having to go back there... Just trying to be honest!

Being in IL means more money, our family, our friends, and our house. And that, to most, sounds appealing. And it did to us but we've done that. We've been there. And having all that was nice but we felt stuck. There isn't a big future in web design there and although my husband could go back with the job he's currently working and work remote, there isn't a creative environment there like there is here.

So, anyways, we've been in limbo. We were feeling called to be present in the now and bloom where we are planted. But we couldn't do that with this Plan B in the back of our minds. The 'what if's'.
We've been asking the Lord to give us clarity and direction. In this past week, we feel like He really has. We aren't ones to make decisions until we hear Him. We feel, by not making plans, it leaves the doors open to whatever He wants to do. However, holding on to Plan B was holding on to a plan. A fall-back. And that was keeping us from being fully present. Fully invested.

God has a plan for us being here. It's more than Jess' career. It's for our family. For ministry opportunities we wouldn't find elsewhere. For friendships like we've never quite experienced before. And we are happy. Truly happy. And we've grown and learned so much. Yes, going home makes sense logically and financially. But, I'd rather be a part of God's plan than to be financially stable and in our comfort zone of having family nearby. God's plan isn't logical. When has it ever been? He's asking us to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. He's asking us to take a leap of faith and join Him in His plan.

I now feel like stepping out in faith to move here was us just getting our feet wet. And I've been in awe of people that jump in with both feet hitting the ground running. I wanted to have that kind of devotion to God's plan. And I thought we had but there has been something missing. Something holding us back. And it is that Plan B.

Last Sunday night we were blessed by a couple we've formed an instant bond with. They see something in us and our family. And they are both so encouraging and biblically sound. They aren't afraid to hold back. And I so appreciate that. And through their friendship and our conversations, God has stirred up a desire to minister with them in the future. A desire we didn't see coming. So we went home in awe of God and His timing and feeling so encouraged with having had some possible direction from the Lord.

That night I had a dream. Jess and I were in our old house. (in IL) He and I were walking around with complete peace. We were thankful for the time we had had there but felt closure that it was not our home anymore. There was a big opening on the side of the house and the word 'unfinished' kept coming to mind. I remember telling a guy to be sure and close that up and finish it. I woke up that morning to a very very sweet text from the woman who will be renting from us. It just encouraged us even more that we were making the right decision and that we needed to finish the unfinished. Whatever that meant...

On Wednesday morning I woke up and did the last day of the bible study 'Discerning the Voice of God'. She was talking about being fully committed to doing what He's asking us to do. (The whole study was dedicated to that and our pastor's series has been about stepping out in faith. Go figure!) Anyways, the beginning story to day 5 of our last week was about Hernando Cortes. The Spanish conqueror of Mexico. In March of 1519 he arrived at the destination. He and his 600 men on their 11 ships. The men were tired and he knew they wanted to return home. But, to prevent thoughts of retreat, he burned the ships. He was fully committed to the task at hand. He was so dedicated that he annihilated all options for escape.  Boy, did that speak to me! He was so dedicated that he literally burned Plan B.

Now, I don't think God is calling us to burn down our house but I do think He's asking us to make a decision. To mentally and emotionally burn our Plan B and to be fully present and invested in His plan. In doing so we feel at peace. A peace that we haven't had for some time.

So, if you haven't guessed yet, we have made a decision... A decision to stay in CA. I know that this isn't going to be easy news for a lot of you. Especially for family. But it's something that we know the Lord is asking us to do. So we know that He will comfort all of those sad feelings for all of us. It isn't easy being away from any of you and we miss you all terribly but we know that we'd rather be a part of God's plan than our plan for our own comforts. We have decided to share this news now so all of you can process and just enjoy our time that we will have together over Thanksgiving. We would appreciate your love and support and any encouragement you can muster up.

We are staying. We are going to be fully invested and present. We are going to bloom where He has planted us. And we are so excited to see all He's going to do. It feels so great to say!

What I've learned lately: Spiritually

Our life has been a wild and crazy ride thus far and doesn't seem to be slowing down anytime soon. We still don't know His whole plan and we may never but we are beginning to see more and more of His reason for bringing us out here. Stepping out in faith has been a challenge but not one we have ever walked alone. We are away from everything and everyone familiar. Yet God has been with us and we have found a new familiar. We have been blessed beyond our needs and God is calling us to bloom where He has planted us.  

 Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.   Melody Beattie 

Our needs are met. Every. Day. We are never without. But, there are others that are. And that shouldn't be. There should be a balance between those who have and those who don't. And this goes beyond finances. I feel passionately about this in regards to adoption too.

I recently read a book called 'One Thousand Gifts' that I know I keep mentioning. Seriously, it's that good. Anyways, she talks about being thankful for everything in every season and trial. She also uses communion a lot throughout the book. The simple act of Jesus first giving thanks, then breaking the bread, and giving has spoke multitudes to me. 

God provides. We should first give thanks then divide what we are given and give. This is a concept that I am finally fully understanding. It's been a long process. There were some things that happened during what should of been some vital learning years for me, spiritually. I feel like I never fully understood a lot. I've been on a spiritual journey for the past 5 years seeking out answers to questions. This is an answer to a very big question. What should we give and why? Why does God ask us to give? I think it's so much more then to help others. When we give we are letting go. When we let go, we take His hand in exchange. His hand leads, guides, and provides. We become fully dependent on Him. Right where we should be. 

We've been studying trees for school. I felt the Lord draw me to John 15:5. "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing."

I have a friend that is living out her one wild and crazy life to the max of what God provides and asks of her. She is such an inspiration and encouragement. She posted this morning and something she said resonated in my heart because it's the place where God has brought me. 

God desires to take our lives on an adventure and I mean if we fully believe He is in control and this isn't our home then why the heck not live the adventure? Why not risk it all for Him?

There have been a lot of people that have told us that they couldn't have done what we've done. (leave everything and move to a different state) And I just think but how can you not? (not that God is asking everyone to move) Sure it's been a challenge of our faith but what isn't? Stepping out in faith has taught me so much more than I anticipated. And we have been blessed in countless ways. And we have grown in ways we otherwise would not have. Producing real fruit we otherwise could not have produced on our own.

Letting go and hanging on to Him and allowing Him to take us on this journey is completely unconventional and makes no sense, logically. But God isn't conventional. He moves in mysterious ways. 

Romans 12:2 - Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Philippians 4:6-7 - Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

This revelation has gone above and beyond finances. We have been given life so why not give thanks and resolve to live it out to God's full intention. Yes, it will be unconventional. It will be hard at times but even in the hard times, we will have peace. And that peace is priceless. What we sacrifice in order to gain the peace that He provides is minute compared to the price He paid for us to live in that peace.

We can take the gifts that God has given us. Give thanks. And share with the world around us. God will take care of our needs.

Matthew 6:25-33 - "That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life- whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to Him than they are?

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 

And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and then thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 

Seek the Kingdom of God above ALL else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. 

Why live our lives just for ourselves and our own gain and follow the traditions and expectations of the world? God is beckoning us to follow His plan and He's promising to provide all of our needs. What will living for ourselves and gaining all that we can really do for us but provide a false sense of security?

Matthew 6:19 - Do not store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal.

It's in the letting go where we find His true peace. True happiness. True contentment. I'm happy to say that's right where I am. I have peace. I am happy. I am content. And from that I can give. I can love. I can show grace. 

He loves us so therefore we can love.

He forgives us so therefore we can forgive. 

He gives to us and provides all of our needs so therefore we can give and help provide the needs of others. 

What I learned over the weekend: Spiritually

Last weekend I had the amazing privilege of going to a Beth Moore conference. It was good and she had a lot of great points. She was walking us through the story of Naaman. (2 Kings 5)

In the story Naaman has leprosy. He is sent to a prophet for healing. The prophet doesn't come out to greet him but rather sends his servant to instruct Naaman. The servant tells him to go bathe in the Jordan River 7 times and he will be healed.

Naaman is offended and mad. He expected the prophet to come out and wave his arms around and to call on God. Instead he sends a servant. Beth said that sometimes we don't like the medicine and sometimes we don't like the bottle it comes in. In this case the servant is the bottle that he's not liking because he wanted a big show from the prophet.

Naaman did not want to bathe in the Jordan River. He said there were much better waters from where he came. It seemed beneath him. Too simple. Beth wrote on the board - I want healing but this is NOT the way I want it. I refuse to heal like this. She told us to write down the next bullet point - Sometimes we refuse to do what healing requires. There is a root of rebellion there.

She then said to do what it takes. Sometimes we are the obstacle to our own healing. Self-importance blocks healing. The chosen get frozen.

Perhaps your healing requires too much repetition. A stronghold is a mental obsession. You need the reverse to break it. She said to get into the word. Memorize it. Your mind is healed by repetition of scriptures.

James 1:22-24

New Living Translation (NLT)

²² But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. ²³ For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. ²⁴ You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like.

She said so many times we get stuck in the "I'm sorry" mode. She said we need to go from "I'm so glad I'm forgiven" to "I did not out-sin your ability to heal me" to "I am standing here white as snow".

Back to Naaman... He was mad that dipping in the Jordan River is what he was told to do to get his healing. He wanted a big show. The men with him urged him to do what the prophet said. So he eventually did. It says that he went down and dipped himself in the water.

I connect this with getting down on our knees and dipping ourselves in His healing waters by prayer, meditation, studying of His Word, and worship.

Naaman did this 7 times and he was healed. Each time we turn to God in the midst of our trials brings more healing until we are healed. Repetition.

He's not asking us to blaze through life (as my pastor says) on our own and have all the answers. He wants us to ask for help. He's waiting for us to ask for His guidance. He alone has the answer to our healing.

Yesterday my pastor's wife was talking about our big powerful God. He is BIG POWERFUL. She used an example about her own dad and how, when she was growing up, she thought he was big powerful. If she needed something fixed, he fixed it. If she was having trouble with math, he helped her. If she was having trouble with someone, he would help. And she said that that is how God wants us to look at Him. As a big powerful God that is right there and wiling to help us through everything. We don't have to do this on our own!

We have to be willing to lay down our pride, plans, and expectations. We have to get down and dip ourselves into His healing water. Beth says that men and women of true greatness go down to the healing waters.

¹⁴ So Naaman went down to the Jordan River and dipped himself seven times, as the man of God had instructed him. And his skin became as healthy as the skin of a young child’s, and he was healed!

She went on with the story of Naaman. He and his servants went back to thank the prophet and to give him a gift. The prophet refused. Naaman promised to only make sacrifices alone to God but Naaman asked one thing. That he be pardoned when the King goes into the temple to worship an idol and leans on Naaman for he then would have to bow too. The prophet said to go in peace. 

The prophet's servant was greedy and went after them. He wished to get from Naaman what the prophet wouldn't accept. He thought that Naaman did indeed owe the prophet something for his healing. So he lied to Naaman saying that the prophet needed the gifts for 2 young prophets that had just arrived. The servant was given the gifts and he hurried home.

Beth said that God alone pays for our healing and that we get into big trouble when we start thinking someone owes us. 

When the servant returned home, he quickly hid everything. The prophet called out for him and asked where he had been. The servant lied and said, "Nowhere!" but the prophet knew what he'd done because he had been there in spirit. He told the servant that because he had done this, he and all of his descendants would have Naaman's leprosy and when the servant left, his skin was white as snow. 

Beth said that we are all susceptible to getting what we've judged someone else for having. We need to stay focused on the Lord and all of His goodness. He alone will heal us. He alone will give us a mind, heart, and eyes like His in order to see ourselves and the world around us with. And when a trial arises we'll be able to have peace and guidance through it. 

In order to see our big powerful God do the BIG POWERFUL we have to have that relationship with Him. (prayer, mediation, reading of His Word, worship, and stepping out in faith) He has a plan for our lives and our story written out. Will we stay on His path? Will we trust Him? Will we do what He's asking us to do in order to get the healing He's offering?

Our pastor's wife used a story of a young girl who came to her. Her life in complete turmoil. My pastor's wife asked her how her relationship with the Lord was. The girl responded that she prayed sometimes. After further discussion the girl revealed that she had strife with her mom, lived with her un-saved boyfriend, and she was doing drugs. My pastor's wife told her that she guaranteed she would see our Big Powerful God work in her life if she did what it took - Get into His Word. Move out and away from that boyfriend. Stop doing drugs. Make amends with her mom... Sometimes we're looking for the big powerful when what we are doing, is hindering the Lord from truly being able to work in our lives. 

Like Naaman, if we aren't willing to do what it takes to get our healing, then we could be missing out on the Big Powerful. We can be our own obstacle. 

What I've been learning: Motherhood

Over the weekend I saw an image of Betty White, in a magazine ad, mowing. The caption read, 'Make your side of the fence green'. Or something of that nature.

How many times do we, as moms, look at what another mom is doing and are left feeling inadequate and less than? How many times do we see people doing something amazing and we are left thinking that our lives are less than? How many times are we left feeling like we're not good enough because we don't look like her or dress like her? How many times do we rob ourselves of the life God planned for us because we're so busy looking at what everyone else has and not at what we have?

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” Frederick Keonig

This is something that has been on my mind. I read the book, 'One Thousand Gifts' and finally finished it over the weekend. In it, the author concludes that a true relationship with God (where we trust Him and believe that He is good no matter what) comes when we dare to look around with eyes of faith and a heart of thanksgiving. To look for and be thankful for all of the ways God shows His love for us. As a result we are left filled to the brim with happiness and wholeness which spills out into the world around us. It's a matter of simply realizing that, while our lives may not look like another's, it is tailor-made for who God created us to be. He knows what truly speaks to our hearts and if we are looking for it we'll see it all around us.  But... What if your life doesn't look like what you think it should? Here's a simple question. Is what you think you need based on His truth or on what you think you need because of what your neighbor has or the traditions of this world? I strongly believe that God places us in our lives because He knows that we are capable. He's offering all the tools to help us! How many times do we doubt that because it goes against what we have known to be 'right'? How many times do we doubt that because we don't think we're strong enough? Because we think that what He is asking us to do is too hard or a mistake? Let me use a personal example.  I had our first child right before I turned 21. (My husband and I had been married a little over a year.) Her first year was very difficult for me. I was dancing with the devil and he was winning. He made me feel so low. So useless. I was trapped in a bubble of discontent and misery because I thought that my life wasn't what it should be. Not that I regretted my daughter. That's not it at all. It was because I thought that I wasn't good enough. That we weren't good enough. That we weren't providing enough. That we weren't doing it right. I was believing the lie that I was too young to do it all and have it all. At some point I had to make a decision. I could either keep using the excuse that I was too young or I could let go of that handicap and let God do His thing. He wasn't saying that I was too young. He was trying to tell me that I was more than good enough and more than qualified. He blessed me with motherhood at a young age because He knew that, with Him, I was good enough to do the job and to do it well. He was giving me all that I needed. Would I listen? Would I accept His plan over what I thought was better? You have to remember that God created the world, animals, man, love, relationship, healthy food, the sky, heaven, hell.... We created everything else. Buildings. Traditions. School. Careers. Money. Bad food. Houses. Cars. Statuses. Shopping. Clothes. Everything that we think we need to be happy, more times than none, was conceived by man. Traditions were born. A way of living was created. All God ever asked us to do was to trust Him, obey His word, love one another, and live. He would take care of the rest.  We seem to think that we aren't smart enough if we don't finish college and build a thriving career. We don't think that we are financially blessed until we see a large amount in our savings account. We don't think that we are providing enough until we've surpassed what some of our neighbors have. We don't think that we are pretty enough until we look like the model on the cover of a magazine. We don't think that our marriages are good enough because they don't look like other people's. We don't think that our weddings were good enough because they happened before pinterest. If you are looking for it, you'll always find discontentment. Nothing will ever be good enough until you accept the life God has given you.  I am now the mother of 4 children. I am still young. I am immensely happy and incredibly blessed. But, given my circumstances in light of the world's view, I can wallow in self-pity and think to myself that my life isn't good enough because I didn't finish college or because we don't have a huge savings account or because I'm 'just' a stay-at-home-mom. OR I can thank the Lord for how far He has brought me. I can accept the life that the Lord has given me with thanksgiving because He chose me to be the mother of my 4 wonderful children. He knew that I was capable. And I don't have to just go through the motions of motherhood's mundane tasks, I can thrive!  How can a stay-at-home-mom of 4 thrive in the mundane? By keeping my heart focused on God. By training my eyes and heart and mind to look for His blessings in the everyday. To accept His love and forgiveness. Which brings me to another point. *There are so many times that I've yelled at my kids and felt so bad that it hindered me from moving on. I would think to myself that I wasn't good enough and that I was beyond His help. I would think to myself that I just have to try harder to be more perfect the next time. But I was already feeling defeated. How can you truly be better if you're already feeling defeated? Little did I know that the answer to my desire to be more perfect wouldn't come from perfection but rather from accepting His love and forgiveness for me. I stopped asking God to change my heart and attitude and started asking Him to show me how much He loved me. Asking Him to change me caused me to look at myself as incomplete. Asking Him to show me how much He loved me caused me to look at myself as whole and my life as whole. Therefore I feel... Happy. Content. Alive. And better than all, I know that I am right where I am supposed to be in this season of life. I am a stay-at-home-mom of 4 children. At the end of the each day, I have everything I need. We are never hungry. We always have a roof over our heads. Our bills are always paid. We always have enough. It may not be up to par with the world's standards but it's enough. And that is good enough for me.  When we realize how much He loves us, our hearts begin to change. Our attitudes are improved. Our happiness and contentment overflow to our children. Our spouses. And the world around us. Suddenly the grass, on our side of the fence, is greener.  *- I will explain this huge revelation later. I'm hoping that it will help all of you moms as much as it did me.

What WE learned today: Life lessons

This morning, at the store, my two-year-old yet again pointed out someone's something different. This time it was a mentally challenged young man. She innocently pointed and yelled, "Look mommy! Him funny." Of course when we were in direct view and earshot of the young man and his personal aid. I quickly shushed her and moved on... only to see a man of God robbed in white. I shot my best 'mom look' at my children and advised them not to say a thing. As he passed us, Liam opened his mouth to say, "That guy looks funny!" only to have his older sister throw her hand over his gaping mouth in effort to block the statement. I cringed.

Last week I took our two-year-old to Trader Joe's with me. I was busy shopping and looking at my list. I was in my zone. She kept telling me something and pointing towards a woman. I assumed she saw something in her cart that she liked. As she kept pointing and getting louder I (still not listening) kept saying an enthusiastic, "Yah Honey!" And as we past this woman Faye got even louder. I saw the woman give me a look as we past by as I was once again wholeheartedly agreeing to what my child was trying to tell me so I stopped and listenend. I was mortified. She had been telling me that "her big. her a little big." and I, unknowingly, had been in agreement. The woman heard. She was hurt and actually left the store.

Rewind to months ago. My son was on a kick about people being different colors. Especially black vs. white. I have a black brother and sister. But he wanted to know if they did everything like us. His questioning sounded so racist but I kept telling him that color makes no difference and we are all the same. Then we went to the store. A woman who happened to be black was on her phone in front of us and Liam blurts out, "black people can talk on the phone too!?" She heard and turned and walked away. I cringed. Not only was she probably hurt but probably thought we were racist. I wanted to yell after her, "You're beautiful! We're not racist! He's 4! I have a black sister!"

I know children are children. They are people in training. They are learning everything for the first time and are so curious about the world around them. I welcome my children's questions. I love to talk with them about whatever is on their mind. Just not out in public when they are pointing out someone's something different.

We had a talk today. About color and people's differences. We are all the same on the inside. Each one of us has feelings. Each one a heart. Lets be slow to judge and save our questions for later. And lets love the world around us no matter how different they may be. That's what Jesus does.

I was able to share some of my own experiences working with the elderly and handicapped. When I am able to explain something clearly on their level and they see the person for what they go through rather then the outward appearance and actions, I can see something click in their little minds and their hearts become compassionate. What if we all looked at each other that way? For what is on the inside.

What I re-learned today: Motherhood

While I'm on the subject of the Holy Spirit, let me tell you about my day.

It started off well. The kids and I went to bible study. Afterwards we went to lunch. They all did well. Baby was a little spastic but I managed. We went to a few different stores but after the first one, my patience was already beginning to wear thin. Then I took them to Hobby Lobby. Breakable city. Luckily nothing was broken but I was definitely feeling some anxiety. After that I decided to run in to one more store. By now the heat had risen. I was hot and sweaty. The kids were getting tired. But I thought, "Hey! I should surprise the kids and take them to a movie!"

This was a bad idea. And I knew it. I heard the Holy Spirit telling me not to do it. But, as I often do, I thought to myself, "Ain't nothing horrible gonna happen today!" (said in my best southern-drawl)

And so, like an idiot, I took them. I was already snippy and irritable but I took them thinking it'd help the day and that I'd get into my fun happy mom-mode. Little did I know that everything would not turn out as I had planned in my mind.

So... I load the baby's carseat onto the stroller (just like Michelle Duggar. thank you very much) with much difficulty. In the heat. And with kids spilling out of the van before I was ready for them. (Any mom that has more then one kid should understand this frustration) So, while I'm trying to watch them, I'm trying to get her handle over the stroller. It finally works. We go into the theater.

The kids are touching all of the fun arcade stuff while I'm getting the tickets and ordering food. Which is fine but I have a lot of kids and trying to watch them, other people around them, and the baby, and focus on what I'm doing is very hard. I finally hand off the ridiculously large drink to Olivia and we walk towards the theater rooms.

Of course I forgot about the flight of stairs you have to walk down to get to the theater. Getting the stroller down was awkward and I'm sure unsafe but I did it. Only to have my children, who all suffer with selective hearing, not open the doors for me. Finally Liam does and a poor passerby I nearly run over.

We find our seats and by now the baby was hungry so I had to feed her yogurt and applesauce. In the dark. She freaked out and made a mess and wanted out. I get her out and hold her.

So, as I'm trying to battle keeping her in my arms so she doesn't crawl on the disgusting floor, Faye gets stuck in the seat. Literally trapped in the seat. It closed on her because she doesn't weigh enough. So I rescue her. In the dark. Baby in arm.

Next Liam tells me he has to pee. "Right now!" So I tell Faye to sit with Olivia and I'll be right back. She freaks out and starts telling me loudly that she wants to go too. So, I agree and tell Olivia to stay put and I'll be right back. I take all three to the bathroom. Liam needs help still cause he's short but I can't help because I'm holding Everly. I send him into the stall confident that he can manage. Of course he can't. He has to touch the entire toilet trying to climb it. (I have a toilet phobia and I had hoped that our many trips to the bathroom and my many words of instruction of proper toilet usage would have imbedded into his head.) Nope. Of course not. So I instruct him just to stand and get it done. He does. We all wash up because Faye decided that the floor was fun to play with. (I should note that this is a run-down 1$ theater)
Anyways. We make it back into the movie and find our seats. We sit. Baby is still fighting me to crawl. Faye is whining about popcorn and the drink. I help her. Liam starts yelling. He hadn't been sitting with his legs out but rather under him so the chair claimed it's second victim and swallowed his leg. I have to lift him out (while holding the baby) but his leg was really stuck. After some tugging his leg finally gives and comes out of his shoe. So then I have to dig and maneuver his shoe out. I do. He sits. We all sit. Baby starts getting even more wiggly. Faye gets more whiny. The movie finally ends and we leave. But I have to get the stroller up those blasted stairs. I recruit Olivia to help. She does. We make it up and out to the van. Only to have the car seat attach itself to the stroller and refuse to budge. So, again with Olivia's help, we get it off safely with baby strapped in.

By this time I'm really worn out. I was trying to do something so fun for my kids that turned into a stressful disaster. I should've known better. The perfect storm had been brewing all day- I'm on day 2 of flying solo. Been out all day. Went to lots of places. Baby had no nap and was hungry. It was hot. I have had a bad migraine all day. Etc.

We left with the intention of stopping at one more store but by the time the exit came up, I just passed it. I just needed to get home. So we got home and we all got settled in. Everyone re-grouped. I made dinner and we enjoyed our evening. However, I was still irritable and so it wasn't as pleasant as I had wanted. I wasn't as patient as I like. I wasn't responding with as much grace as I try to. I hurried them off to bed early with prayers, hugs, and kisses hoping that that would fix it. Nope. Putting kids to bed before they're tired is dumb. At this age. After 2 hours of fighting with them to stay in bed and be quiet, they are finally asleep. And now I am reflecting on a day gone wrong. Wishing I had listened to the Spirit trying to guide me. He knows what my limits are. He knows what I can handle in a day. Taking my kids to a movie spontaneously was not it.

I know this. I know that He's always right. But I try and convince myself that it'll be fine. Never fails that I am wrong. This is always my thought process - Holy Spirit saying 'no! bad idea!' - me hearing and acknowledging - me thinking that I just thought it because something bad could happen and so it must be that fear telling me not to, not the Holy Spirit - me replaying that clip from Dewey Cox (ain't nothin horrible gonna happen today) - me going for it thinking that all will be fine because God will make it fine and that I'm just being dumb and that He couldn't possibly care about me taking the kids to a movie (or whatever He's advising against)

This happens all the time. And it's the littlest things sometimes too. But He knows! He knows what we can handle and what is going to bring the best outcome for everyone involved. In most cases, for me, it's times like this where I become frustrated and spent and my kids get the butt of that attitude. This may seem small and it is but I'm writing it as a lesson for myself. To remember. To learn from today. To make a mental note to listen to the Holy Spirit. I hope you can get something out of my crazy day too!

I am ready for a new day. Thank goodness for such loving and forgiving children! That's the funny thing about children... They are quick to forgive and forget and love. I wonder why God says we should be like them.... ;-)

Goodnight!

What I learned today: Spiritually

*For Women's bible study at church we are going through Priscilla Shirer's study book, 'Discerning the voice of God'.

Today Karen, a woman from our church, spoke about the Holy Spirit's presence in us and how all of who Jesus was for the disciples lives in us. All that He is, lives in us. The disciples could relax around Jesus because He took care of everything. Nothing was too big. The more time they spent with Him the more they saw and heard and their confidence in Him grew. They knew who He was and what He could do.

They didn't want Jesus to leave them because they didn't understand that the Holy Spirit would be Him dwelling in them. All that they saw Him do, that same power, would be working through them. He would be present with them ALL the time.

Before Jesus, believers had to rely on prophets and priests and supernatural events to hear from God. Then Jesus came and He began training up believers. Showing them how to live. He gained their confidence in Him. He showed them what He could do. He loved. He forgave. He healed.
When He died, He sent the Holy Spirit to indwell His believers so that He could be with us in spirit-form every day. And His life is recorded as an example to us of how to live and walk with confidence that He is a powerful God and that He can and will take care of everything. There is nothing too big.

Our own lives tell a story about His grace and love and power. It should serve as a reminder to us and give us confidence that we can get through anything because we have the Holy Spirit living in us. He has proven time and time again that He is good and capable. Why do we doubt? Why do we fight?

I love how Karen said that the more time the disciples spent with Jesus the more their confidence grew and the more they relaxed. The more time we spend with Jesus, in His word and in prayer, the more our confidence will grow. The more time we spend looking for His goodness and love in the everyday things (one thousand gifts) we will see that He is good and that He does love us and we will begin to trust Him. The more we look back and remember what He has done for us the more we'll believe Him for the future. (Believing God)

Just wanted to share that little tidbit with you. Hopefully it will speak volumes to you as it did me.